“They’re taking our jobs.”

I was in Mexico for Christmas break, and  I was ordering food at a restaurant and the server asked me where I was from. I said, “I’m American.” She said, “You know this is America too. We are in North America. There is also Central America and South America, so when you say you are “American,” it’s actually offensive to everyone else in the Western hemisphere. You should really refer to your country as the United States of America. I was like, “Wow. I didn’t realize that… I ordered a lecture, I thought I ordered tacos. Evidently, I ordered talk-os.”

She goes, “Do you want queso?” And I say, “You know, there are different types of cheese, so when you refer to Mexican Cheese as queso, it’s really offensive to all 642 types of quesos, like swiss queso, cheddar queso, and my favorite type of queso, that’s right, United States of American queso.

Mexico is a touchy subject right now. Hillbillies are still complaining about Mexican taking jobs from Americans. But the truth is Mexicans are not taking your jobs. I repeat Mexicans are not taking your jobs. Women are. “Well that’s true; they took the darn Ghostbusters jobs.”

People were pretty ridiculous about the new Ghostbusters. The people on the right were upset because they thought this somehow tarnished the very prestigious legacy of this critically acclaimed masterpiece. It’s a comedy about exterminators for goblins with Rick Moranis–how upset could you be?

And the people on the left saw it twelve times as a show of how funny they think women are. But I didn’t get the debate. Everyone knows women are as funny as men. I think they are funnier! Have you ever seen them try to play sports? It’s like watching a toddler hug a puppy. It’s adorable. Calm down. That’s obviously a joke. I mean how would I even know what women look like playing sports?

But honestly, I love the idea of switching gender roles in classic films. I think they need to do more remakes of old movies and switch the genders of the main characters.  The next one they ought to do is Big. 10 year old girl becomes a woman overnight, gets a job, starts banging a 40 year old dude who is attracted to her because she childishly plays with dolls, and at the end of the movie, he goes to prison for the rest of his life for statutory rape. Maybe you could change the name. Instead of “Big,” call it “Jared.” Box office smash.

Pride and Preference

We are a proud people aren’t we? Proud to be Irish. Proud to be American. Proud to be gay. Proud parent of some kind of learning disabled student athlete half-a-tard . It’s ok, I can say that, I’m dating a really stupid girl.

I thought pride was one of the 7 deadly sins. Now people wave it around like a pair of glow sticks at a Phish concert. Aren’t we using that word wrong? I thought pride was supposed to come from an achievement or accomplishment, not something you had no control over. “Damn straight, I’m proud to be an American. Hell, that’s where I came out of a vagina!”

Even gay pride, a nice concept, doesn’t really make any sense. I am 100% pro-gay rights, pro-gay marriage, I have gay friends, gay family, it’s not a choice, I’m with you. But how does gay pride make any sense. It’s not an accomplishment. It’s like being proud of liking Twizzlers. It’s a preference, not a source of pride.

From a guy’s perspective, sucking a penis is not an achievement, unless you are straight. If you are straight and suck a dick, wear that on your sleeve because that’s a real accomplishment. That’s not easy to do. But being gay and sucking a dick is like eating dessert. It’s fun and you should do it, but it’s not newsworthy.

But everyone’s so proud of themselves. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that read, “Proud to be an ICU nurse.” ICU stands for Intensive Care Unit. Proud to be an ICU nurse!  I’d love to hear that person tell me what part of that job she is most proud if. “I’m proud to work 3 days a week for 8 hour shifts watching people die, and I’m proud to say that sometimes, on occasion I accidentally kill them. But I’m most proud that when I’m not watching people die, I get to  wipe shit off paralyzed motorcycle crash victims ball-sacks. I would proudly do this work for free.”