I have a friend who doesn’t kill spiders that he finds in his house because he says they kill other bugs. WHAT OTHER BUGS!? Spiders ARE the bugs! What other bugs? Ants? Who cares about ants? Spiders are the only bugs. That’s like cops not arresting murderers because occasionally they kill a coke dealer. Sure, they are annoying and gross and you don’t really want them in your house, but we must exterminate evil.

That Old Saying

Well, ya know the old saying: take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pro-choice. I think that was Faust. Pretty sure that was Faust.

1979 Who Concert

In 1979, in Cincinnati, 11 people were trampled to death trying to get into a Who concert. And the Who still played! And there were guys in the audience listening to “Teenage Wasteland” watching Pete Townsend do the windmill with fresh blood on their black jeans and Reebok socks thinking, “Please, play Pinball Wizard as an encore.”

Now, one Somalian teenager runs around campus with a nail file the whole city shuts down like he’s T-1000.

Pokemon Go

It’s getting nice outside. I’m just glad the Pokemon Go people are back in their cages. What an odd pandemic that was. It was like Night of the Living Nerds. Just herds of waddling weirdos staring at their phones. People said the weirdest things like, “I’m just glad these kids are getting outside and getting some fresh air.” I’m not! I want to go to the park without seeing dozens of 300 pound 12 year olds walking around like a lobotomized rhinos with their phones cushioned on their giant sweating fupas looking for Charazard. Please. Go back to your Dorito dusted sofa in your mom’s basement and get back to planning a high school shooting or whatever you were doing before you got distracted. Please.

Girls With Pets

My girlfriend said she wants to get a cat. Which is good; I’m actually encouraging it because I’d like to get a new girlfriend. I’m more of a dog guy, but even dating a girl with a dog is a little like dating a girl who lives with her grandmother. The only difference is you can have sex in front of the dog without locking it in the closet.

I slept with a girl once who let her black lab named Otis sleep in the bed with her. I woke up the next morning with black dog hair all over me, in my mouth. I looked at the girl; she had black dog hair stuck to her face. It was disgusting. So I didn’t call her again. And to this day, she’s angry and confused as to why I shaved her dog in the middle of the night. It was a communication.  She said, “Behave Otis.” I thought she said, “Shave Otis.”  I was not there to ask questions, and she should have been more careful with her words. Because she knows I like to shave my bitches right before I fuck ’em.

NFL Combine

Apparently the NFL combine happened this week. Everyone has that nerdy football fan friend who wants to rattle off stats from the combine. “Myles Garrett ran a 4.64 40, his vertical was 41 inches, and he benched 225 33 times.” I’m always like, “Yeah, but…can he sew? Don’t you think he should be able to sew? He’s bound to tear some britches running that fast. Might help to take some sewing classes and acquire some skills that can compliment the talents he already has. It’s called aptitude symbiosis.” And then they say, “Zach, you’re a fruit.”


The Dreadnoughtous

I saw an article the other day in a scientific journal, that read “Dreadnoughtous Dinosaur Weighed Whopping 65 Tons, Feared Nothing.” Well, how the hell do you know that? This was 100 millions years ago–you didn’t get a chance to lie Dreadnoughtous down on your couch and psychoanalyze him. He could have been afraid of spiders and apple sauce, you don’t know! I’m not an archaeologist, but in my experience, size is no predictor of fearlessness. In my experience, Dreadnoughtous would have been plenty afraid of trying on a dress at Macys. I think Dreadnoughtous would have been a little scared of flying coach.

I hear scientific claims all the time that I don’t understand. Things like “A Taiwanese Mountain Sheep has 10 times better eyesight than a human.” Which human? Not that impressive if it’s Stevie Wonder. He’s blind if you haven’t heard. But who is testing the eye sight for a Taiwanese Mountain Sheep? And how? Do they show them the letters? “Ok now, read the bottom line now if you will. Wow. He read the copyright information at the bottom of the card from 30 meters.”