Category: Uncategorized

Nephew Pick up

My nephew got in trouble at school, and my sister was tied up at work so I had to go pick him up and talk to the principal. And the principal got mad at ME because apparently they have a rule that the person who picks the students up has to actually be (there) on time and sober.

But no way was I going to that meeting not drunk. I haven’t talked to a school principal since I took a crap on Tony Campbell’s desk in 9th grade.  And turns out from my meeting, Principal Campbell has not forgotten about that.

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Atlanta Honeymoon

My brother is getting married and he told me he’s going on his honeymoon on an “african safari.” And I don’t approve of that. I think it’s culturally insensitive for a rich white country club type guy to entertain himself by describing Atlanta that way.

Gym Girls

There’s a really cute girl at my gym, but as a rule I don’t talk to girls at the gym. It’s too creepy, and what do you say? “Hey! I really like the way you wipe your ass sweat off the leg press machine.” But for this girl I had to break my own rule and I tried to start up a conversation. It did not work. She was super irritated that I interrupted her in the middle of her (pause) shower.

Dead Puppy

My girlfriend just got a new puppy. Super cute. And she’s been out of town so I’ve been watching it. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m going to have a hard time giving it back. When she comes over to get it, she is really going to struggle to pry it out from under my lawnmower.

Fisting

Fisting. What do you think? Is it medical malpractice? I don’t know. My grandmother asks me to fist her every time I see her because she thinks that is how you refer to fist bumping. It’s pretty upsetting. But I get back at her. When she comes over for dinner, I ask her to toss my salad. But she won’t do it because she says I’m a grown up now. And she hates taking her teeth out.

My Girl

My girlfriend is younger than me. And I know she’s young because she knows all the state capitals. I know because I graded her quiz. She is 28 and just got a tongue ring. She says, “It makes oral sex better.” And she sounds like that because she has cerebral palsy. It definitely does not improve the quality of her blowjobs. I don’t need any improvements because I still have an old fashioned Game Boy.

Pedophile Jokes

A guy told me the other day that he doesn’t know what to do because his son told him he is attracted to young boys. He hasn’t acted on it, but he believes he is a pedophile. And I was like wow, that’s awful, but I think I have a solution because I have a nephew (pause) who is going to be a psychiatrist next year (pause) for halloween and he looks so cute with his little cardigan and clip board.

Guys, these are just jokes. I would never offer my nephew to a pedophile. That would be a horrible thing to do. Because my nephew is a nightmare. Pedophiles want a happy lively kid, not a stillborn.

When I was younger, a pedophile actually approached me. Which is pretty scary. He said he wanted to watch The Lion King with me. And as a kid, I was confused. I was like why would this grown up want to watch The Lion King. Wouldn’t he rather watch me undress? But no. Sometimes pedophiles just want to watch a Disney movie (pause) with their son.