My nephew got in trouble at school, and my sister was tied up at work so I had to go pick him up and talk to the principal. And the principal got mad at ME because apparently they have a rule that the person who picks the students up has to actually be (there) on time and sober.

But no way was I going to that meeting not drunk. I haven’t talked to a school principal since I took a crap on Tony Campbell’s desk in 9th grade.  And turns out from my meeting, Principal Campbell has not forgotten about that.

My brother is getting married and he told me he’s going on his honeymoon on an “african safari.” And I don’t approve of that. I think it’s culturally insensitive for a rich white country club type guy to entertain himself by describing Atlanta that way.

There’s a really cute girl at my gym, but as a rule I don’t talk to girls at the gym. It’s too creepy, and what do you say? “Hey! I really like the way you wipe your ass sweat off the leg press machine.” But for this girl I had to break my own rule and I tried to start up a conversation. It did not work. She was super irritated that I interrupted her in the middle of her (pause) shower.