Month: October 2017

Dead Puppy

My girlfriend just got a new puppy. Super cute. And she’s been out of town so I’ve been watching it. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m going to have a hard time giving it back. When she comes over to get it, she is really going to struggle to pry it out from under my lawnmower.


Fisting. What do you think? Is it medical malpractice? I don’t know. My grandmother asks me to fist her every time I see her because she thinks that is how you refer to fist bumping. It’s pretty upsetting. But I get back at her. When she comes over for dinner, I ask her to toss my salad. But she won’t do it because she says I’m a grown up now. And she hates taking her teeth out.

My Girl

My girlfriend is younger than me. And I know she’s young because she knows all the state capitals. I know because I graded her quiz. She is 28 and just got a tongue ring. She says, “It makes oral sex better.” And she sounds like that because she has cerebral palsy. It definitely does not improve the quality of her blowjobs. I don’t need any improvements because I still have an old fashioned Game Boy.

Pedophile Jokes

A guy told me the other day that he doesn’t know what to do because his son told him he is attracted to young boys. He hasn’t acted on it, but he believes he is a pedophile. And I was like wow, that’s awful, but I think I have a solution because I have a nephew (pause) who is going to be a psychiatrist next year (pause) for halloween and he looks so cute with his little cardigan and clip board.

Guys, these are just jokes. I would never offer my nephew to a pedophile. That would be a horrible thing to do. Because my nephew is a nightmare. Pedophiles want a happy lively kid, not a stillborn.

When I was younger, a pedophile actually approached me. Which is pretty scary. He said he wanted to watch The Lion King with me. And as a kid, I was confused. I was like why would this grown up want to watch The Lion King. Wouldn’t he rather watch me undress? But no. Sometimes pedophiles just want to watch a Disney movie (pause) with their son.

Asian Fetish

If you date one Asian girl, you are a diplomat. If you date another one, you’re a pervert. I’ve had sex with like 15 Asian women, but I don’t have a fetish, I just went to one Eyes Wide Shut party in Hong Kong. I didn’t want to, but I needed the money.