Month: September 2017

Internet Porn

I stopped watching porn on the internet. For a while. I needed a little break, but I started again because I just (pause) found my library card.

Porn is weird these days. Lots of step-sibling sex. Very odd. Every video is some guy whipping out his dick out in front of his step-sister.  It’s so disgusting and messed up. I have step-sisters. Let me tell you, if you are disgusting and demented enough to want to sleep with your step-sister, you really should just (pause) take her out to dinner or buy some of her girl scout cookies. You know? Something nice. Don’t just whip it out like she’s in the Screen Actors Guild.

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Beastiality

Beastiality is illegal because it’s not consensual. A dog can’t consent to sex so it’s rape. Which makes sense because my dog totally consented to me grabbing a pair of branch clippers and snipping his sack off. Isn’t that weird logic? If it’s the dog’s feelings we are thinking about, don’t you think he’d rather be T-bagged than De-bagged?

You should definitely not have sex with animals, I’m talking specifically to this guy…

 

Atomic Blonde

My girlfriend wanted to see Atomic Blonde, but I refused. I’m sick of these unrealistic movies and these unrealistic female characters. Who is going to believe that a 41 year old woman is a natural blonde? Everything else about the film seemed sensible.

Brother in Therapy

My brother is in therapy because he says he constantly feels isolated, alone, and unable to experience joy. Which really surprised me because I didn’t know they had therapy in prison.

Yes. He’s in prison. That’s the joke. In his defense he’s in prison for the whitest reason possible. He’s in prison for being a prison guard.

He says prison rape is the number one problem these days, and the prison guards have an active role in preventing the prisoners from even having the opportunity to get medical treatment.

No. Obviously, I shouldn’t trivialize the problem. Prison rape is horrific by all accounts and my brother is trying very hard to quit.

Dear Mom

My mother passed away when I was 7. I don’t have many memories of her, but I do remember the last few words she ever said to me. She said, “Zach, whatever you do, just please don’t push me in because I can’t swim.” The girls I date don’t like hearing that I can’t do what I’m told. It’s not true. Obviously, her last words were, “Help me. I’m drowning.”

Spiders

I have a friend who doesn’t kill spiders that he finds in his house because he says they kill other bugs. WHAT OTHER BUGS!? Spiders ARE the bugs! What other bugs? Ants? Who cares about ants? Spiders are the only bugs. That’s like cops not arresting murderers because occasionally they kill a coke dealer. Sure, they are annoying and gross and you don’t really want them in your house, but we must exterminate evil.