Month: March 2017

Pride and Preference

We are a proud people aren’t we? Proud to be Irish. Proud to be American. Proud to be gay. Proud parent of some kind of learning disabled student athlete half-a-tard . It’s ok, I can say that, I’m dating a really stupid girl.

I thought pride was one of the 7 deadly sins. Now people wave it around like a pair of glow sticks at a Phish concert. Aren’t we using that word wrong? I thought pride was supposed to come from an achievement or accomplishment, not something you had no control over. “Damn straight, I’m proud to be an American. Hell, that’s where I came out of a vagina!”

Even gay pride, a nice concept, doesn’t really make any sense. I am 100% pro-gay rights, pro-gay marriage, I have gay friends, gay family, it’s not a choice, I’m with you. But how does gay pride make any sense. It’s not an accomplishment. It’s like being proud of liking Twizzlers. It’s a preference, not a source of pride.

From a guy’s perspective, sucking a penis is not an achievement, unless you are straight. If you are straight and suck a dick, wear that on your sleeve because that’s a real accomplishment. That’s not easy to do. But being gay and sucking a dick is like eating dessert. It’s fun and you should do it, but it’s not newsworthy.

But everyone’s so proud of themselves. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that read, “Proud to be an ICU nurse.” ICU stands for Intensive Care Unit. Proud to be an ICU nurse!  I’d love to hear that person tell me what part of that job she is most proud if. “I’m proud to work 3 days a week for 8 hour shifts watching people die, and I’m proud to say that sometimes, on occasion I accidentally kill them. But I’m most proud that when I’m not watching people die, I get to  wipe shit off paralyzed motorcycle crash victims ball-sacks. I would proudly do this work for free.”